Who even am I

Who am I?

Now obviously, there’s the simple answer: Ellis.
To those reading this, that probably makes sense. But even if you do know (to some degree) who I am, there are many more people out there who don’t know me by that name — or wouldn’t even begin to associate me with a name like that.

To those who don’t know me at all and are reading this, well… read whatever is in the About Me section, and the above might make more sense.

So by now, I’m sure you understand that there are two versions of me — the real me: her, and then… me him.

But what if I told you there’s more to the story? That there are quite a few more versions of me, at least it feels that way sometimes.
This is something I’ve been dealing with for quite a while — not only hiding my true self from the big, bad outside world, but also trying to figure out who that true self really is.

Where do I come from?

Again, there are some obvious answers to this that I won’t write out here. But the more important question is: where does this feeling of having multiple versions of myself come from?
Or better yet: why did I create these multiple versions?

Because if anything, I can assure you that most of them… I created. One way or another.
And I’m not just talking about her and him here — I’m talking about all the ones in between.

Let’s dive into the whole ordeal with a bit of background.

From about as early as I can remember up through college, I was bullied — in one form or another.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to go into a full sob story — not today, at least. But it’s important context.

If you’ve ever been bullied, I’m sure it’s absolutely no surprise that I was too. After all, being different in any way is like wearing a red cape when kids are a herd of bulls.

Not being the most physically capable kid (or emotionally, for that matter), what can one do but try to stop the bullying?
That seemed — and honestly still seems — like the one thing you can control.
My go-to? Put on a mask.
And I don’t mean the carnival kind, but a hidden one — one that hides the pain, the tears, the feelings… me.

But at some point, hiding isn’t enough.
The bullies don’t stop. You’re still “different,” or at least too different.
So what’s the next step?
Exactly: adapt. Add another mask on top — one that fits what someone else wants.
And there you go — a new version of me.

Sadly, this became an automatic mechanism really fast.
Group A enjoys thing A? Create a mask that enjoys A — and me A is born.
Group B prefers thing B? Hello, me B.
Then Group C doesn’t like A or B, so mask C follows.

I’m sure you can see where this is going.
I couldn’t — not at the time.

In hindsight (you know, that 20/20 thing), it’s pretty clear:
An extremely complicated web of me’s. Identities.
Some complementary, some opposites — and all of them different, one way or another.

And that’s just the identities I’ve shown to the world — not the one that’s been hidden inside all these years.

So now what?

Over the past few years, I’ve been getting some help — figuring things out, like what bullying does to a person’s mind, and how to deal with it.
And now that I’ve got that covered, I feel like I’m ready to start clearing away some masks.
Or at least, to stop making new ones.

That second part — I think I’ve got that under control.
At least with people I’ve met online, I haven’t been hiding myself — well, maybe a little.
Some still haven’t met her, but definitely not hiding him.
And I’ve been slowly peeling back the covers on her… me.

It’s a scary process, though.
Because there are people who’ve only known me with some kind of mask — not just a friend I see once a year, but coworkers, family, people I talk to regularly… neighbors… probably everyone.

But I haven’t added new masks in a while.
No additions, no changes to the many me’s out there — and I’ve even retired some.

So, back to the start. Who am I?

That’s still something I’m figuring out.
This automated masking system was so strong — so seamless — that it fooled even me.
But I’m working on rediscovering who I am.
And, just as importantly, I’m working on removing more of those masks.
Slowly stripping away the walls that years of bullying — and life afterward — have built.

Some things are easy:
I know what kind of music I like.
I know I enjoy playing games — digital or tabletop (yes, including TTRPGs 😊).

Some things I have a strong feeling about, like which hobbies I enjoy.
And some things I do know, but I’m just not ready to shout out loud to everyone I know — like which pronouns I prefer.

But thankfully, here, I can truly be her.
I can truly be me.

So, who even am I?

My name is Ellis.

I enjoy many styles of music — often rock and metal.
I love playing games: MMOs like Final Fantasy XIV, racing sims, RPGs, and even the occasional strategy game.
I love board games, tabletop RPGs, Magic: The Gathering, and lately, a bit of Yu-Gi-Oh too.

I enjoy watching anime, fantasy shows, and even a good action movie from time to time (yes — including the occasional chick flick).

I love the colors pink (just in case you hadn’t noticed that on this site) and red — depending on my mood or what it is going on.

Oh, and those pronouns I prefer?

She/her.